I am not who I used to be. I forget that. I forget that God has been writing a new story in my heart these past years.

Somewhere along the line I trade pointy toe shoes for chacos. I trade shopping trips to the mall for shopping trips to the farmer's market. I traded caring about what boys thought of me for wondering if my life reflected the love of Christ to a group of middle school girls. I traded the desire to live a posh life in a bit city working for a fashion magazine for the desire to live simply and love extravagantly. To have a home full of laughter, love, a garden, chickens, children, and Jesus and (hopefully) a bearded, storytelling, music making husband. Somewhere along the line in the process of breaking my heart God has put something more breathtaking together. I am not who I used to be.

And lately I have forgotten that. I have forgotten that I have a story. A small and simple one but a beautiful one.

I wrote what is below a few months ago. And it made me remember instead of forget.

I look in the mirror and i barley recognize the face that looks back. My heart has changed over these years and i see it most in my eyes. i am gentler. i am more at peace. i have known the bottom and i know i am not there anymore. It just took me a long time to finally see who i became in the process.
My life has changed beyond recognition this past year. I suppose that is what happens when you let go of all your own plans and fall into Jesus. This is not the life i envisioned but i think it is the one i have longed and hoped for. This season has seemed like an eternity. and there has been celebration and there as been some deep heartache. I wish i could say i am happy. That i am finally at the point where all the pieces come together.
But i am not. and i am unsure if i ever will be,
But i am hopeful and joyful. And what i am learning is that it is alright to be those things amidst dark and difficult days. It is not surrendering when i hold unto joy and out for hope. Indeed it is the opposite.
I think through this process I have learned to breathe and to live.
Now I am going to learn to rest in that. I need this time.
Right now it is grey out and it is one of those cold February days that make me feel as if winter will last forever. but it wont. These dark cold days will pass. Life, spring WILL come. It will in my heart and in Michigan. I think that has to be enough for now. That I cannot see it but I can know and can hope in that.